Breakfast with Santa

This weekend started out with breakfast with
Santa at Bass Pro.
Addy doesn't do well with facial hair, and so
I was worried all week about how this up
coming event, that was totally for me was
going to effect my baby girl.
We got there early and we were greeted with
the friendly rain deer, we even had a moment where
she let him touch her and we were able to get
a picture in front of the tree. No smiles just a
picture....Were off to a good start I'm thinking.
We stand in line with a bunch of people that
took this Santa thing way, way to serious.
I thought it would just be fun for me and Tim
to take our baby girl and bond. Not to mention
an excuse for Tim to buy just one more bag
of fishing lures.
By the way he didn't do that (will explain later.)
We get into the Santa house, and we eat our
breakfast, she's loving the lights and all the
people are not even freaking her out... I am
pumped........

Your waiting for the big reveal and well the time
has come.......
Our sweet baby girl did not even fuss at Santa
for a second or the elf's that were running around.
Even the scrooge didn't get her rilled up....
That's because she slept through the whole thing.
Until we put her in the truck did she even move.
That's why daddy didn't go shopping for more
fishing lures. She's quite the heavy one our Addy
bug.
Not what I was expecting at all.... So now we wait
for next year.

Movie Material

So have you ever thought about the fact that you possibly can change
the way history unfolds?
I didn't ever think that way until I got a divorce!!!! That changed everything!
No longer was I in the promise that I gave to my husband but, I was no longer
in the promise I made to God.
I changed history...and yes for me but, more so for my boys.
They would no longer be able to wake up in the same house as their
father every day, they couldn't go to the back door and see dad mowing
our yard. Never would they be able to go on vacation with both of us again. More than that they would never see dad taking care of mom.
Not that I haven't made it on my own, but its the natural lesson's of
fatherhood towards a mom that they would never ever see.
When I was in that moment I truly thought I was doing the right thing for
all of us....when in reality I was doing what I wanted........!!!!!!!!!!!
It totally stinks to have to be mom and dad all the time. I never felt
like I was doing as good as what he would have done. Or what if
he would have said that differently and it would have meant more
coming from their dad.
The reason's that I left sometimes I can't even remember. It's been just
over 8 years ago. Does it still feel like a open wound? No, that's all gone
now I feel pain for my children they have paid such a high price for
our mistakes. It was both of us, we both choose to leave each other,
maybe in different ways but, we both were not their for each other.
Could we have made it.....I really believe that's a no...so with that you
begin to think were we not suppose to even be together? I can't imagine
my life without my boys not even for a second. Now I look at mine and his
life hes so happy with her. They are perfect for each other he was never
that kind of man with me. She makes him be a better man. you can just
look at him and know that he is happy. Like truly a soul mate match.
Wow, just look at my life. I even have been blessed with a
new sweet angel ( I got a second script). Thank you God!
My boys are growing up and they are becoming young men. They now
have had so many holidays and birthday's that they have split with mom and dad.
How that has affected them we may never know...that's because it's all
they have ever had, that they can remember.
Horrible to never know what it would feel like for them to just be able to
relax at home with their family. Until they have thier own children and
home.
Now they have stepbrother's, a step mom and a step dad. I couldn't ask
for better.
They love their step mom and stepbrother's. So that's a blessing. It
could be so much worse. That's never been a complaint.

All of this is basically for a therapeutic moment for me....I would have
never ever thought about these feelings this many years ahead, and how I would feel about divorce and a broken home.
So, if for just a single moment you are thinking about changing
your dynamics of your home THINK THINK THINK about it just one
more time for me.
I wish my movie material could have been God written from the very
beginning and that I didn't ever try to step in and make it better or change
the ending but, I did and now we are going to have to wait and see
the new ending.

Just one last thought I am so thankful Santa Clause didn't divorce Mrs Clause!!!!

Christmas is already here.

Yep, its true I went shopping after work on Friday and I bought
Addy a few gifts for Christmas... Yes, I was far more excited
about them than her....but she's only soon to be 11 months old
So what did I expect huh...
So I got home and guess what I did.......? Yes, I let her have
them all.
So cute, and I rationalized it by her not even knowing what
Christmas is anyway.....RIGHT? All she will do on Christmas
morning is play with all the wrapping paper from every body's
gift. So I think I have a very good point here.

So all week end we have had a blast watching her play with
her gifts...( love the kitchen set). "The Boys", you say ya that didn't go over quite so easily.
they wanted to open just one gift momma.....

Will see!!!!!!

Worthy

I pray often, I'm sure not near enough in the midst of a storm I have been known to pray harder, longer and ask for only what I thought would be best suited for the situation at which I am even praying for.
Not fair, not right, not cool but, true.
These days I have found myself just thanking him, for the smallest of things that I have taken for granted for so long. Even, that I can choose to get my lazy bum up and outsidewhere it is geting very cold and run. Or just enjoy being outside and trying to reduce the caloric intake for that day.
I was in my oldest son's room last night just staring at him and praying and I was
taken back to a time when I did this every single night. I'm embarrassed to say that's not been case for his almost 14 years of life. All that time gone to never have back to make it up to God. I cried and for those years lost forever. For the prayers I didn't make.

I can however change today and from now on. I go to the boys rooms when they are
gone and I miss them being there, I cant wait for them to come home.....I love the sound of their voices...their request, of their just out of the blue " I love yous.... "
It feels me up with smiles and I feel whole when we are all together. I can protect them when they are in my presence.

What are Father must feel when we call out to him and make our, to him such small
requests, when we lift our voice's to him, and our just out of the blue "I love yous".He longs to hear from us..... So I let him hear from me for a long time...
(have you ever tried to catch up God?) I then walked down stairs to Trevin's room I
was touching his perfect face and I was overwhelmed with God's love I am a only
able to touch his face because its his will. I am so thankful that's the case. Thank you god for my babies.... even the one you have with you in heaven...!!!

So after that I took off for baby girl's room I (wouldn't dare touch her or make a peep)
she's a sleep fighter and that would be just a perfect excuse for her to wake up
and want to play for no telling how long and this momma needed to get some rest
after all I still had my husband to pray and be thankful for.
In her room with her Christmas tree very bright I might mention. She looks even
more like an angel... I wonder how long I can keep the tree in her room before big
daddy has had enough and says take it down.... While I do have it up, I will enjoy
the way the pink lights just shine off of her skin.... I love you Addy your another
perfect miracle I am apart of.

I must strive, more so these days to be worthy of the job God has blessed us
with. That's the least I can do.... they are so easy to love and I want to do them
justice. I want them to be proud of the way I bring them up and want to in turn
be better parents than I.

Thank you Jesus for going to the cross for me to have this chance to spend time with your angels. I promise to share your love that you have for me, from here on out just a little brighter, little stronger and perhaphs I will breach them heim of your garmet some day and then I will only begin to grasp what being worthy had meant.

No complaining today!

I have already said I no longer look at my life the
same way as I once did. I no longer find myself
complaining about the small stuff. I love the small
stuff now. I choose to be optimistic about circumstances
that normally I would feel were doomed.
My children are a blessing every single second. I was
thinking about how upset I was with Trevin just last
week. I delt with that situation so differently. I want
him to be a better person after he has been taught
what he did wrong. But, that we all make mistakes.


I have been through some really crazy things
most self induced. You really cant get on a pity
party for yourself when you did it. I went sooooooo
many wrong directions. With that being
said.... I wouldn't change a thing. I have a story now
and all the girls that I had when I was a foster mom
I could relate. I love those girls... all of them are so
special and I only hope I was able to share enough of
my life to make a difference.

I cant even begin to complain about anything that I GET to
go through these days.
Even the worst of days with mouthy children at least
I have them.

I have decided that if I need to feel closer to God
just log on and start reading.
These women are unreal. With their steadfast Godly
views...

I almost feel silly writing about my daily activities now.
I am vastly aware
of things that just don't happen.
I have always said things happen for a reason now I
am even more convinced.

The people that are sent to me, and all the ones I have
contact with.. they are so special to me.
The friends that I have made throughout the years
are so priceless to me now.
My family I just keep kissing them
over and over again.
My poor boys are getting irritated with all the
chap stick and lip gloss they have to wipe off.
They see me coming and just pucker up now!
Seems to even be a little more enthusiastic at times.

Christmas even looks so much more exciting I cant
wait to share another holiday with my family.
Its never been about the gifts for me. Saying that, I
have been guilty of stressing out because I should have
purchased just one more anything for the boys.
I no longer feel that way. I want so many memories
with them that they forget about the presents under
the tree.
So movies, loud Christmas music and cookies lots of
Trevin's cookies hes so good at them now.
We have started our basket's already with more
vigor than last. Somehow they too have picked up my
difference in outlooks and they just keep coming up with
more things to bake and put in them.
I have shared so many of the precious blogs with them.
Its a very special child who gets empathy at such a young
age. They both have been so precious about giving of
themselves and their time.
They are teenagers that alone is a miracle.

I went on a church related trip to the beautiful country of Belize.
It was one of the high lights in my life so far. The people
were amazing. What I took away from there was life
altering.
With saying that, I cant wait to take the boys on the next
trip. I think every child needs the experience of volunteering
their time. It will be awesome to see their world open up around
them to giving if only it is with their time.